Report Card Comments - What do they really mean?

I've learned over the years to sugar coat, obfuscate, or otherwise lie about certain behaviours.

It's not that I won't tell you the truth about your kid. I will. I just won't put it in writing. And I sure as hell won't put it in writing on a official report card.

What I will put in writing are the canned comments that our database allows. And in my head, these canned comments take on all sorts of additional meanings. So if you're a parent wondering what half the shit on your kid's report actually means - or if you're a teacher looking for weasel words to get around saying what you really feel, allow me to present:

 Report Card Euphemism Translation Guide

• “Very Independent” = A real jackass who won’t do what he/she is told.
• “Is distracted at times” = Kill count on Fortnite is inversely related to mark in course.
• “Comes ready to learn” = Usually has clothes on.
• “Shows Leadership Potential” = Was a ringleader in the theft of field trip money from my desk.
• “Shares in Class” = Won’t shut the F**k up
• “Creative, Lateral Thinker” = comes up with an original, B.S. excuse for each late project handed in.
• “Has a unique point of view” = Is a horrible racist
• “Seems to get along well with peers” = Is a drug dealer
• “Struggles with attendance” = I have literally never seen this child. 
• “Works quietly with focus” = is usually asleep
• “Pays attention in Class” = Can text one-handed without looking at the screen
• “A pleasant student” = Dumb. Just super dumb.

So, I hope I didn't break too many hearts with this. And okay, sometimes they actually mean what the words say. But sometimes they don't.  Any other teachers who want to translate euphemisms from your comment bank - the comments section is you playground.