So you're married to a Teacher... A Drinking Game

***This post brought to you by: Being stuck inside with nothing to do but distance teach and drink. Also the letters W, N, E and the number 1.***

I'm sure all professions have their personality quirks or behaviors that make being married to someone in that job difficult. Lawyer spouses must say, "I object!" or "I'm not out of order, you're out of order" sometimes. I'm sure firefighters are not much fun at bonfires or fireworks. It is time we teachers celebrate our general teacheryness (and let our spouses drink while we do it).

At my wife's suggestion (and because we've been quarantined together for two months now) I have created a drinking game - not for Teachers (unless you are a teacher, married to another teacher - in which case may God have mercy on your household and liver) - but for their significant others.

So let's get to it.

Take a Drink every time your Teacher Spouse:

1. Uses their Teacher Voice in regular conversation
2. Uses the words, "Well" or "Actually" when correcting you. Take three drinks if they use them together.
3. Is super particular about the day's schedule or lack thereof.
4. Assigns grades/levels to random stuff like chores, bird feeders or foot rubs.
5. Criticizes teacher movies for their various inaccuracies. 
6. Asks anyone to 'wait their turn' or 'put their hand up' in normal, human conversation.
7. Talks about 'this student in their class' or 'what happened in the staff meeting' like it is interesting or anyone actually gives a f*ck about that nonsense.
8. Still has a dedicated snack time, nap time or recess. Everyone else is doing those things constantly now.
9. They show you a 'funny' teacher meme on Facebook/Pinterest.
10. Drink twice if the proceed to explain the meme when you don't laugh at it.

I'm sure there are more - please share your suggestions.

10 Tips for Working From Home

10 Tips for Working at Home

Note: These tips are binding contractually and represent fireable offenses if violated

During this time of unprecedented unprecendentedness, we want to make sure all staff understand the unprecedented nature of their roles. To assist you in this, the Board has produced this unprecedentedly helpful guide to working from home.

1. Set office hours. Sure, you will be likely up till midnight answering a student who just got home from stocking shelves. And your weekend is effectively dead as you knew it, because we want you to be flexible and (digitally) meet kids where/when they need support. Nonetheless, it also helps to set an arbitrary time where you will be in your office. For Professionalism.

2. Speaking of your office; Set up a Home Office space. Try to find a non-ergonomic chair and a table height that is either too low or too high. This will best mimic the work environment that you have grown accustomed to. Avoid setting your office at a comfortable room temperature as this will only make it less like an actual classroom.

3. Dress to Impress: Sure, we want you to socially distance yourself from parents and kids - but what about that nosy neighbour who peeks in your window during your office hours? What are they to think if you are answering student emails in your pyjamas like a pervert?! Remember, even though we don’t want any live video conferencing or actual human contact, you need to pretend like that could happen. Stay sharp!

4. Don’t go outside during work time. We know - it might actually help to reduce peak times to have people shop or do weekly errands when stores aren’t busy. But that is for other people. You are a teacher, working from home. Do not be seen to be human or taking the unprecedented step of shopping during school hours!

5. Don’t go on social media during school hours or probably at all. In addition to possibly being seen as lazy and not at work in your cold, uncomfortable home office, you will likely read concerns from parents about how much/how little work their kids are doing. You will want to address these questions and help remove concerns from parents/students, but that isn’t your job. It’s someone else’s. We just haven’t decided who yet.

6. Do share Good News stories on Public Forums (not social media. Whatever. Probably a physical bulletin board? Wash your hands). People love good news stories about teachers helping students. Be sure to only use the Board approved/defunct Google+ and blur out all student images like they are on COPS. Let the good vibes flow!!!

7. Create projects, timelines and due dates for your students. Check in with them regularly and do LOTS of communication. Use email, phone calls, Google classroom and physical mail.

8. Projects, timelines and due dates are all flexible and entirely unenforceable especially if the student has, literally, any excuse. Excuses could range from ‘working to support family’ to ‘overwhelmed by all the emails and communication that teachers have been sending’.

9. Respond promptly to all parent, student or admin questions. Preferably ASAP, but sooner, if possible. There are about 5 different memos/day/level of government. Each may contradict the other in some way. You will need to read them all and understand them. Also, create all your courses from scratch in a new medium. Unprecedented!

10. And above all, take care of yourself. Relax. Take breaks. Pee. But not too much. You’ll have to work in a regular school again sometime.