So you're married to a Teacher... A Drinking Game

***This post brought to you by: Being stuck inside with nothing to do but distance teach and drink. Also the letters W, N, E and the number 1.***

I'm sure all professions have their personality quirks or behaviors that make being married to someone in that job difficult. Lawyer spouses must say, "I object!" or "I'm not out of order, you're out of order" sometimes. I'm sure firefighters are not much fun at bonfires or fireworks. It is time we teachers celebrate our general teacheryness (and let our spouses drink while we do it).

At my wife's suggestion (and because we've been quarantined together for two months now) I have created a drinking game - not for Teachers (unless you are a teacher, married to another teacher - in which case may God have mercy on your household and liver) - but for their significant others.

So let's get to it.

Take a Drink every time your Teacher Spouse:

1. Uses their Teacher Voice in regular conversation
2. Uses the words, "Well" or "Actually" when correcting you. Take three drinks if they use them together.
3. Is super particular about the day's schedule or lack thereof.
4. Assigns grades/levels to random stuff like chores, bird feeders or foot rubs.
5. Criticizes teacher movies for their various inaccuracies. 
6. Asks anyone to 'wait their turn' or 'put their hand up' in normal, human conversation.
7. Talks about 'this student in their class' or 'what happened in the staff meeting' like it is interesting or anyone actually gives a f*ck about that nonsense.
8. Still has a dedicated snack time, nap time or recess. Everyone else is doing those things constantly now.
9. They show you a 'funny' teacher meme on Facebook/Pinterest.
10. Drink twice if the proceed to explain the meme when you don't laugh at it.

I'm sure there are more - please share your suggestions.

6 Things that Movies and T.V. get wrong about Teaching

Teaching is one of those professions that ends up in movies and television shows a lot. Sometimes the whole show is about Teachers (Boston Public anyone? I don’t want to hear your fond recollections - that show was nonsense). Sometimes Teachers just figure into the background (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off).

The one thing they ALL have in common is that they get many fundamental things about teaching horribly wrong.

Let’s run down a list of the worst lies told on film about teaching as a career.

• Class size: Are you kidding me? No wonder Robin Williams was able to change so many damn lives in Dead Poets Society - his class had, like, 18 students. I mean, Private School, I get it, but still - LIES. My smallest class might have that many kids on a Friday, but all that means is a bunch of follow-up note-chasing and calls home because 8-10 kids were skipping. Next time you see a teacher on film - count the students: if there are over 20 in a room, I’ll buy you a beer.

• That A-hole punk Kid is a Secret Genius/Artist/Musician/Tap Dancer/All of the above: Yeah, actually no. Usually if it walks, swims and quacks, it is a duck, not a mathematician. 

• Lesson Content: Most writers seem to realize that every trial isn’t the dramatic Law-&-Order-Jack-McCoy closing argument grandstand and that every hospital patient doesn’t have a rare disease that gets diagnosed at the last minute to save them. Police procedurals and Hospital dramas at least make some attempt to strike a balance. But for whatever reason there is an idea in Hollywood that every lesson taught in every classroom is a life-changing, hands-on, immersive, multimedia experience. Some of my lessons flat out suck. Where is the movie where seatwork is assigned so the teacher can finish overdue marking while eating the lunch they skipped for coaching? I want to see that one!

• Field Trips: If I ran Field Trips with the reckless abandon of Ms. Frizzle in Magic School Bus, I would be fired soooo fast. No permission forms from parents, no permission from the principal, no clear educational objectives in her proposal. And did she even call ahead to verify 2 million dollars in liability insurance at the locations she visits? I’m betting that no, she did not. And students having ‘exciting misadventures’ on a field trip makes for a good movie, but it gets real teachers written up, suspended without pay and/or shitcanned.

• School Facilities: For the love of everything, why does every TV or movie high school have natural lighting, tall ceilings, arched doorways and lovely wooden panels? If you ever see graffiti, broken infrastructure or a hint garbage, it means that the school is a ‘slum’ or ‘it’s the last day of class and everybody DGAF’. In my school, if you see graffiti, exposed wiring or trash, that means it’s Tuesday.

• The “Emotional Student-Teacher Bond”: Looks great on screen. Generally creeps out parents and other teachers in real life. See Trips, Field above for details about getting written up, suspended and shitcanned. Also: Jail.

What makes you cringe when watching a movie about Teaching and Schools?