6 Things that Movies and T.V. get wrong about Teaching

Teaching is one of those professions that ends up in movies and television shows a lot. Sometimes the whole show is about Teachers (Boston Public anyone? I don’t want to hear your fond recollections - that show was nonsense). Sometimes Teachers just figure into the background (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off).

The one thing they ALL have in common is that they get many fundamental things about teaching horribly wrong.

Let’s run down a list of the worst lies told on film about teaching as a career.

• Class size: Are you kidding me? No wonder Robin Williams was able to change so many damn lives in Dead Poets Society - his class had, like, 18 students. I mean, Private School, I get it, but still - LIES. My smallest class might have that many kids on a Friday, but all that means is a bunch of follow-up note-chasing and calls home because 8-10 kids were skipping. Next time you see a teacher on film - count the students: if there are over 20 in a room, I’ll buy you a beer.

• That A-hole punk Kid is a Secret Genius/Artist/Musician/Tap Dancer/All of the above: Yeah, actually no. Usually if it walks, swims and quacks, it is a duck, not a mathematician. 

• Lesson Content: Most writers seem to realize that every trial isn’t the dramatic Law-&-Order-Jack-McCoy closing argument grandstand and that every hospital patient doesn’t have a rare disease that gets diagnosed at the last minute to save them. Police procedurals and Hospital dramas at least make some attempt to strike a balance. But for whatever reason there is an idea in Hollywood that every lesson taught in every classroom is a life-changing, hands-on, immersive, multimedia experience. Some of my lessons flat out suck. Where is the movie where seatwork is assigned so the teacher can finish overdue marking while eating the lunch they skipped for coaching? I want to see that one!

• Field Trips: If I ran Field Trips with the reckless abandon of Ms. Frizzle in Magic School Bus, I would be fired soooo fast. No permission forms from parents, no permission from the principal, no clear educational objectives in her proposal. And did she even call ahead to verify 2 million dollars in liability insurance at the locations she visits? I’m betting that no, she did not. And students having ‘exciting misadventures’ on a field trip makes for a good movie, but it gets real teachers written up, suspended without pay and/or shitcanned.

• School Facilities: For the love of everything, why does every TV or movie high school have natural lighting, tall ceilings, arched doorways and lovely wooden panels? If you ever see graffiti, broken infrastructure or a hint garbage, it means that the school is a ‘slum’ or ‘it’s the last day of class and everybody DGAF’. In my school, if you see graffiti, exposed wiring or trash, that means it’s Tuesday.

• The “Emotional Student-Teacher Bond”: Looks great on screen. Generally creeps out parents and other teachers in real life. See Trips, Field above for details about getting written up, suspended and shitcanned. Also: Jail.

What makes you cringe when watching a movie about Teaching and Schools?

Classroom Learning Activities I use but personally Hate

There are certain things I use as a classroom teacher that I totally detest when I have to do them at staff meetings, conferences and other 'real life' situations. Like any good sociopath, I compartmentalize my feelings and forge on with all of these great Learning Opportunities for my students!

Gather and Share around Flip Chart paper: 
When I walk into a conference or staff meeting and there are sheets of flip chart paper spread around, I throw up in my mouth a little bit. That shit is the worst. Do I ever think twice about making students do THE EXACT SAME THING? No, I do not. It is good practice for them to learn to hate this activity early in life.

Multiple Choice questions: 
The only reason to use Multiple Choice is because you want test takers to get better at Multiple Choice. Other than test taking, fast food menu combos and radio call-in contests, there is virtually no real-life scenario where someone presents you with limited information on 4 options and demands you choose one RIGHT NOW!

Group Work: 
Like many (somewhat) productive people, I prefer to work at my own pace and not be disappointed by the other humans around me when they inevitably flake on some key part of a task. This is likely one of the reasons I chose teaching as a profession. Again, because learning that ‘work partners you rely on will invariably fail you” is crucial, I assign group work like a sonuvabitch. Side Benefit: less marking!

Peer Evaluation:
Ever had to do this in a workplace? It is like being handed a club and told to beat one of your co-workers. I worry that even the compliments/positive things I say will be misinterpreted and used to shit-can my friends. But do we concern ourselves with asking young people at the peak of emotional fragility/peer approval neediness to rate and critique each other? No. No, we do not.

Citation/Reference sheets:
If someone tells me an interesting thing they heard and I’d like to either A) read more about it or B) Fact Check it because I think they’re full of shit - I’ll ask them to email me a link to the article. I would never hassle them if it isn’t in MLA or APA  format. No other grown adult would. Except in school, where a reference isn’t a reference if you don’t format it properly. HAAHAHAAA (Evil teacher voice).

What do you do in class that you either hate or never use in the real world?