Top 5 Alternative Careers for Teachers

Our province released some education funding announcements today. Class sizes took a shit stomping. It's buried in perfectly modesty sounding class average size increases, but the net effect will likely mean class max sizes pushing 36+ students. Fuck that.



I'm well along in the Union seniority grid; not that that will matter in this post-Apocalypse hellscape- so I'm probably going to just have to contend with 45 kids in each class, no prep periods and maybe only a half dozen special needs kids being integrated into mainstream classes. Only that.

For anyone else- anywhere- looking for options, I present some thoughts on teacher skill transference and possible career fit.

1. Education YouTuber. "What!" you say, "surely Khan Academy teaches anything worth knowing!" That they do, but there is a huge niche of teaching videos that is completely under-developed: classroom management. Parents can play videos of you looking sternly at their kid, shushing them, telling them to put their phone away, etc. And for those like me, you could also have a channel where you just ignore kids playing on their phone, occasionally lose your shit on kids not doing anything or sit and pretend to mark their work.
2. Craft Vape Juice Brewmaster. Who better to come up with recipes to further lure today's youth into what will certainly be a future health care crisis? I've spent way more time walking through clouds of chemistry than the average Juul lab monkey, so here are my future top seller ideas: "Oreo cookie", "Yagerbomb"(co-branding!) "Maple Waffles" and, for the young ladies, "Frappuccino Latte". Bonus million dollar idea: A Vape that looks like a car key fob so you can sneak it into dances, class, Trivia Club practice and what have you.
3. Goat Farming: I know! I never would've put it together, but since our new Education Minister came from this industry (former Chair of the International Goat Symposium!), I can only assume the skills of teaching could be backwards compatible too. They both involve kids (pun!), so I can only guess the rest is the same too. Actually, I straight up see many potential skill overlaps between goat farming and teaching...
4. Stuff picker upper, garbage collector, paper stacker and stapler. Over the years, the various cuts to other areas have meant that teachers have picked up slack in custodial, administrative and maintenance jobs. Obviously, because it makes good financial sense to use a higher salaried employee to do previously lower salaried jobs. But the jokes on them! Now I have a bunch of skills that can get me work anywhere there's chairs in need of stacking or paper lacking three evenly spaced holes.
5. Retirement life coach: Summers off every year have given us tremendous insight into the lifestyle challenges awaiting the largest generation ever of retirees. When does happy hour really start? Which pajamas are best for grocery shopping? What are the good Netflix shows? We know all the answers! Consultancy services begin at $200/ hr. 

In all seriousness, if you want to be a teacher, I hope you still have a decent paying job in education when this austerity dust settles. Look after each other out there. Vote Union.