BINGO Game for Staff Meetings and Professional Development Days

I won't claim ownership over this idea. 

I saw a 25 year veteran make a D.I.Y. version during an especially terrible full-morning session of forced professional development. She scribbled one on a sheet of paper, wrote in her own words, and began checking them off as the experts droned on. 

It was the greatest thing I'd ever seen. 

Or it seemed that way at least. I mean, the oxygen was getting pretty recycled and the presenter as boring AF. I was also likely a little hungover from playing cards the night before with some other staff. But in any event, this seemed amazing. 

So, I've pulled together some bingo cards for you to print, copy and distribute among like-minded educators at your next PD day or Staff talking-at. If you play it, please comment and let me know how you yelled BINGO! Did you work out a complicated system of hand gestures or coughing? Or did someone just get all excited and actually yell 'BINGO' out? 

And for the love of everything, make the prize booze-based.

A Eulogy for SCANTRON

Our SCANTRON test marking machine broke recently. This was devastating news for many (read-almost ALL) of us who rely on it to mark the closed-answer questions on tests. We have to mark multiple choice by hand? That's bullshit!

But, it also felt like I lost a friend and colleague. I chose to honor this passing with a eulogy that I delivered in my head, while students were working on seat-work. Sure, it wasn't as touching as an actual memorial, but SCANTRON was such a tireless, hardworking S.O.B., that I feel it was an appropriate tribute.

Without further preamble, I present, 

"A Eulogy for SCANTRON"

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines SCANTRON as “The word you've entered isn't in the dictionary. Click on a spelling suggestion below or try again using the search bar above”, but it felt like so much more than that. 

How well did we really know our SCANTRON? I come not to bury our machine, but to praise him/her/it.

When I first met SCANTRON, I was a young teacher, still wet behind the ears. But SCANTRON had already seen it all. It had marked typing tests, East vs West Germany quizzes and ‘There are Nine Planets in the Solar System” still scored a ‘True’ (Or [A], in SCANTRON language) on the answer card. My new approaches to teaching were fine, but SCANTRON always told me to just wait - things are cyclical in education and they always come back around again. I thought this was very wise for a machine that only read the world from right to left (or left to right if a technician switched the settings around). Sure enough, here we are.

It was well worth spending time with SCANNY, as it preferred to be called (only nerds called it TRON) and learn how it saw the world. Race, gender, age, grade - even names - were irrelevant. If you wrote in a number 2 Pencil, that was all that mattered to SCANNY. Objectivity ruled and was an understated beauty in that. I hope I can mark student work with a similar neutrality.

SCANNY saw a lot of technology over the years. Photocopiers changed from boxy, metal behemoths to sleek, molded plastic, well, behemoths. The phones we staff used migrated from the walls to our pockets. Staplers got waaaay crappier. But SCANTRON was constant. SCANTRON was the same. The simple work ethic of getting the job done and not caring that you look like a 1960’s Bond villain computer/nuclear detonator is a lesson we could all learn from. 

I can count on one hand the number of times I remember SCANTRON breaking. A tireless, consistent workhorse that took in unmarked student work and spit out time on a summer deck is all I ever saw when I looked at it. If I have a career half as long and diligent, I will count myself lucky. You will be missed by all of us, old friend - peace be with you

Reading this still chokes me up a bit. If you have any happy memories of SCANTRON or other similar marking machines in your school, please share below.

Classroom Learning Activities I use but personally Hate

There are certain things I use as a classroom teacher that I totally detest when I have to do them at staff meetings, conferences and other 'real life' situations. Like any good sociopath, I compartmentalize my feelings and forge on with all of these great Learning Opportunities for my students!

Gather and Share around Flip Chart paper: 
When I walk into a conference or staff meeting and there are sheets of flip chart paper spread around, I throw up in my mouth a little bit. That shit is the worst. Do I ever think twice about making students do THE EXACT SAME THING? No, I do not. It is good practice for them to learn to hate this activity early in life.

Multiple Choice questions: 
The only reason to use Multiple Choice is because you want test takers to get better at Multiple Choice. Other than test taking, fast food menu combos and radio call-in contests, there is virtually no real-life scenario where someone presents you with limited information on 4 options and demands you choose one RIGHT NOW!

Group Work: 
Like many (somewhat) productive people, I prefer to work at my own pace and not be disappointed by the other humans around me when they inevitably flake on some key part of a task. This is likely one of the reasons I chose teaching as a profession. Again, because learning that ‘work partners you rely on will invariably fail you” is crucial, I assign group work like a sonuvabitch. Side Benefit: less marking!

Peer Evaluation:
Ever had to do this in a workplace? It is like being handed a club and told to beat one of your co-workers. I worry that even the compliments/positive things I say will be misinterpreted and used to shit-can my friends. But do we concern ourselves with asking young people at the peak of emotional fragility/peer approval neediness to rate and critique each other? No. No, we do not.

Citation/Reference sheets:
If someone tells me an interesting thing they heard and I’d like to either A) read more about it or B) Fact Check it because I think they’re full of shit - I’ll ask them to email me a link to the article. I would never hassle them if it isn’t in MLA or APA  format. No other grown adult would. Except in school, where a reference isn’t a reference if you don’t format it properly. HAAHAHAAA (Evil teacher voice).

What do you do in class that you either hate or never use in the real world?

Report Card Comments - What do they really mean?

I've learned over the years to sugar coat, obfuscate, or otherwise lie about certain behaviours.

It's not that I won't tell you the truth about your kid. I will. I just won't put it in writing. And I sure as hell won't put it in writing on a official report card.

What I will put in writing are the canned comments that our database allows. And in my head, these canned comments take on all sorts of additional meanings. So if you're a parent wondering what half the shit on your kid's report actually means - or if you're a teacher looking for weasel words to get around saying what you really feel, allow me to present:

 Report Card Euphemism Translation Guide

• “Very Independent” = A real jackass who won’t do what he/she is told.
• “Is distracted at times” = Kill count on Fortnite is inversely related to mark in course.
• “Comes ready to learn” = Usually has clothes on.
• “Shows Leadership Potential” = Was a ringleader in the theft of field trip money from my desk.
• “Shares in Class” = Won’t shut the F**k up
• “Creative, Lateral Thinker” = comes up with an original, B.S. excuse for each late project handed in.
• “Has a unique point of view” = Is a horrible racist
• “Seems to get along well with peers” = Is a drug dealer
• “Struggles with attendance” = I have literally never seen this child. 
• “Works quietly with focus” = is usually asleep
• “Pays attention in Class” = Can text one-handed without looking at the screen
• “A pleasant student” = Dumb. Just super dumb.

So, I hope I didn't break too many hearts with this. And okay, sometimes they actually mean what the words say. But sometimes they don't.  Any other teachers who want to translate euphemisms from your comment bank - the comments section is you playground.